Changes...

Well, things certainly have changed. I finally let myself out of the infamous "box" that I have previously, but briefly, talked about. I have found a little bit of freedom to feel-out my own life and have made time to work on myself. HOWEVER, for some reason obstacles always seem to appear....Let me just discreatly recap the last few months.
I left my husband after many crazy happenings, got my own apartment, failed to pay tuition for summer semester(which led to my first semester off in many years), caught up with a few old friends--set right some of the wrongs from my past with these people, and regained some sovereignty in my life.

Now that you are a little caught up, let me expand on the obstacles that I have had to, and will continue having to deal with in order to put my life back into my own hands.
I never quite realized how difficult it would be to make my husband understand what all led to the disentigration of our marriage. And although I know that deep down he was unhappy as well, his will to keep me in the box causes me great grief. He has become---I use that phrase rather lightly because I feel that he has always had this side to him, it's just not always been directed toward me--anyway, he has become spiteful, vindictive, arrogant, malicious, self-absorbed, and downright cold toward me. Now, I expected these emotions to surface, but what I did not expect was for him to claim absolutely EVERYTHING that my family contributed to the marriage. This jackass wouldn't let me have: the washer and dryer that my mother bought me because of our daughter, the dresser that my neighbor from childhood gave me, any of Roxanne's belongings, and (the silliest of all) any cookware--he doesn't know how, and could care less about learning how, to cook. So, as you can imagine, having to raise a child without these amenities can be a rather trying task. On top of that, he is taking his sweet time on going with me to sign the divorce papers, and as usual, I was the one that filled that paperwork out--which is not as easy as you would think. I have seen $20 child-support over the last three months, and let's not forget the one pack of diapers(retrieving these items was also a pain staking endeavor).

Aside from the husband issues, my brother was deployed to Iraq about a month ago, and I am in charge of all of his business while he is over there. I have lost a good friend because of misplaced emotions. I have gotten too lax on my child because I worry that the move and the divorce are too much on her, which has come back to bite me in the ass because two year olds learn how to use their powers of manipulation a lot quicker than I thought was possible. My parents have lost their minds recently, and evidently misplaced what little common sense they used to have as well. So, as you can tell, I am getting pretty close to the point of explosion....but all this will eventually come to one big head, and then pop. And I have high hopes that once this happens, it will all end rather abruptly.

I'm sure by this point you are wondering, "What good has come from all of this?" Don't worry, the good changes are where I was headed to next:
1. I am ALWAYS happy to go home these days :)
2. I get more bonding time with my daughter :)
3. I no longer have to drive hours to get to work and school :)
4. I am able to make decisions for myself :)
5. I am able to focus on myself and only have to worry about the well-being of my child :)
6. I have the ability to surround myself and my child with only positive influences :)
7. I no longer have to ask permission to do what I know is right :)
ETC....
The list is too expansive to even begin to list.

I have the most wonderful friends and family, and the most wonderful support system, and I have been so blessed through all the people that have been there for me. I don't deserve them, and I don't know what I would do without them.

Although these some of these changes are difficult for me and my daughter right now, they are necessary. I am tearing down and getting rid of my life as it has been in the past, but in doing that I am building the foundation for the new life that will ultimately be better for my daughter and myself. And although i get depressed and overwhelmed at times, all of this is worth the final outcome and I am so excited to be able to experience the good and the bad and the growth and healing that can come from both.

That's all for now.
~Amanda Simone~

I don't know where I'm going anymore.

You know, for the last three years of my life, I thought I had everything figured out. I had direction. A purpose. A goal. One goal. School. Then one day I woke up and I realized that I lost my focus. I felt myself slipping. See, for a long time I just became a zombie. A slave to my trade---school. And other than that my life was, for the most part, structured. I had put my thoughts, feelings, and above all else my soul-seeking on hold. Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow? I now understand this statement, as well as why people always warn others not to bottle up their emotions. I have become for the most part numb, and quite frankly I don't know who I am. I seemed to lose myself, if you will, when I got married and had a child. All of that happened so quickly that I didn't know what to do. So I did what I thought was right. And up until this point I think that I did do most things right. It's just that now I don't know how to find myself again. I have been confined to this "box" for so long that I don't know where to go or what to do when I am by myself. I don't know what I actually want for myself, other than to be successful and to strive to be a better person. My head is filled with all sorts of different scenarios, that seem wonderful, but not very reachable at the moment. I'm torn between doing what I want to do, or sacrificing my desires because of my past decisions. I wish I just had someone that could tell me what I should do.

Too much to contain.

For a long time now I have needed a way to express all the things that I have going on in my head. I have just lacked the time, audience, and outlet. For a while I tried myspace, but that outlet is just a little too busy with idle hands. I yearn for someone to listen, but I don't want to let out everything I have to say to everyone that I interact with on a day to day basis. So, I guess this is step two. I never really have anything important going on, I just need to vent occasionally and not be criticized and picked apart for whatever reasons. So, from now on, when I need to let it all out, this is where it will be. As I previously stated, I have very little time, so these things will more often than not be very brief, but most of the time they will hold a great deal of importance to me. And hopefully they'll be interesting. I promise, there's never a dull moment in my life, but when there is, I'll use it on this.